yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
