You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
