Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
