you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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