Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
