So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
There's even glitter on my cock...
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