He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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