Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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