come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
