Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
