The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
