Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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