I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
