So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
