Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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