I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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