he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
