3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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