Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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