he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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