Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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