The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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