He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
