Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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