you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
