I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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