I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
