i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
