Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
