So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
