The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
