someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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