she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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