420 ftw
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
