so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
