i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I fill condoms, not promises.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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