A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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