I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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