Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
