if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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