I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize