You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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