I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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