It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
