I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
