in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
