You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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