Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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