the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize