Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize