Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
