my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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