I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The best revenge is premature balding
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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