There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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