I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
