i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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