if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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