dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize