Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
