I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
