Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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