My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
