are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
