So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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