Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
