Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm just crazy horny about you
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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