Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
