I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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