I can text with my tongue
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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